My pussy is not your playground.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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