Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
