I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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