areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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