I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
