I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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