It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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