I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
