I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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