you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
