Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
