if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
