Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
