I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
