I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
