There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
