just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
