One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
