how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
