I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
