its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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