No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
