Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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