i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
