Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
