When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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