By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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