I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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