you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
