I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
This baby is an asshole
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
