I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize