She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
