I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
