she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
