please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
