When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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