after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
