nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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