i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
