Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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