six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
