he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I pour the whiskey from now on
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
