this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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