We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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