Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
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As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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