she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
