My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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