So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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