Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
