At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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