I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
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that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
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I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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