My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
