My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I think a kid would responsible me up
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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