atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
