If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
