I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
