I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
