I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
