just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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