yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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