I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
me + whiskey = a bad person
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
the raccoons are back...
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