At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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