We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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