I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
