Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
