I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
